About body image and weight issues

Warning: this is a post/rant about body image and society today.

I live in Venezuela. It is a country known for being obsessed with beauty, and it has won (if I'm not mistaken) 6 Miss Universe crowns. Go figure! 6 times out of the many that Earth has won the Miss Universe contest (bit dodgy if you ask me), the winner has been from my country! Oh proud moment!

Except......for the ones of us that DON'T look like a Miss Universe (and we're not in the majority), the world is a slightly different place. Here everyone is skinny, and beautiful, and wake up in the morning to do their makeups, go to the gym, and spend ridiculous amounts of time and money at beauty parlors. Not to mention the massive amounts of cosmetic surgeries done around here, of boob jobs, tummy tucks, lip and butt injections, et cetera.

I have struggled with body weight and body image since I was little. I had my little group of friends, and out of the 4 of us, I was the not-skinny one. I did modeling for about 3 months and hated it. My godmother was always saying how I was thin, but stocky. My best friend is and has always been skinny. They were our neighbours for quite some time, so the comparisons were always at hand.

I distinctly remember a photoshoot we did, where we had to get bathing suits. I was about 8 or 9. T got a beautiful yellow and blue two piece with a little Tweety cartoon on the side. I got the full one piece.

It was the first time that I can remember being told that I had to hide my body. My torso is kinda weird because I have big hips, so my waist is higher than my bellybutton. My legs are long. As such, in the fashion industry it falls to reason that I should wear a one piece because it would made me look even longer.

But all I remember is that my best friend had a flat tummy, with a hint of abs and I didn't. I was the chubby one.

Another time I remember being told I was fat being a child, was when the World Health Organisation did this health fair when I was about 7, and doing gymnastics for the town team. They would meassure you and weigh you and all that, and then give results, plus estimates. On the paper (still around in my house), it said that I was "slightly overweight" (for an athlete) and that I would be 1.75mts when I grew up (about 5'8"). They owe me 13cms.

When I had my puberty hit at 11, I had a couple of growth spurts. I was tall, but still thin/stocky. I did all sorts of sports, swimming, dance, you name it. I was lousy at most of them, but I excersised.

Did I also mentioned I had bucked teeth? Oh yeah, that too.

So when I was 16, for my high school graduation, my godfather quite jokingly said, "when are you going to get those buck teeth of yours fixed?", orthodontia is quite expensive here, so I said (and it's been one of my bravest moments), "well, if you don't like them, why don't you pay for them?". I dunno if it's because I stood up to him, but in the end, he paid for the whole thing.

My teeth needed A LOT of work. I had come back fat for a 15 year old (64kg, 141lbs) from England because we ate a lot of carbs there and didn't work out much, so when I got my braces in, it hurt so much that I lost about 16kg, or 35lbs. I was 17. I looked like I had a terrible disease. But I was thin. I was in the club.

I was skinny.

From then on, I tried my very best to keep my weight, it felt quite nice to be complimented on a flat tummy (even though it was because of lack of solid food, because I couldn't eat without crying of pain). I still had my little pouch, it's the shape my body has, nothing to be done about that. But I was skinny.

I had braces for almost 3 years, the entirety of my Uni career, so when I graduated, my dress was a size 4, and I looked amazing with my new teeth.

I had some serious problems with my mother (left the house, started living with someone), but I looked nice.

In that time away from home, I gained weight again, but since I was super skinny, I started to look normal again, I started to look like me. In the interim, I lost my job and found a new one, where I made some of the best friends I've had, and everything was dandy.

Then my relationship ended, I had to beg to come back home, and I entered a deep depression. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I guess you could say that the anorexia was fueled by the depression and vice versa. I was super thin again.

Eventually I came out of that dark whole and found theatre. I was alive again. I gained back my weight and was happy. In theatre no one cares if you're fat or thin, what matters are your acting chops and your ability to move on stage.

Then I made I terrible mistake where my health almost screwed up a show, and was asked to leave the company. But this time, instead of starving myself, I guess I just kept going. I was sad, yes, but I would not go back to an eating disorder. I found ballet, and noticed that it shaped my body quite nicely. It was only a 3 month workshop that I did on Saturdays, but it helped a lot, and I just loved it. For someone who had spent the better part of a year with an immobilised foot, it was great!

Now that I think back on it, I probably started gaining weight when I was being sedentary all those months. Add to that the pressures of work, and recently the holidays, and you could say that I have been steadily getting....FAT.

FAT.

That's what my family members say. That I'm fat. You know that thing where they tell you that you shouldn't do unto others what you wouldn't like done to you? Yeah. I try my very best to never comment on anyone's personal appereance, because a) it's rude, b) none of my business, and c) I don't have the morale to criticise someone else.

But it hurts.

When people you love start criticising your personal appereace, instead of asking your opinion on something, or even how you are. It hurts.

I'M MORE THAN MY BODY WEIGHT. I AM NOT FAT. Maybe I have a few extra pounds, but I think there are more important things in life, no?

And now, I'm self doubting! Am I fat? I know that I have extra meat in some areas, and I'm working on it, I got into swimming again, and a ballet academy for adults. But it's not an overnight process.

This morning I was lying down, and my mum came to my bed to say goodbye and leave for work, when she quite casually rubbed my tummy, and said "you need to lose this fat, you're overweight". It sucked big time. I tried, as politely as I could, to mention to her that I'm getting tired of people telling me I'm fat (my aunt said it about 5 times in the span of 10 minutes), and that she knows I'm working on it. Out of 7 days of the week, I'm working out on 4 of those. My mother said that my family said that because they're used to me being skinny. I had to tell her that those few times they saw me on those years, I was anorexic. Not skinny. Anorexic. I am not that naturally thin.

So please, if anyone reads this, and you have a family member that you know is struggling with body image issues, don't just tell them they're fat. Ecourage them, ask them how their working out sessions are going, or if they are doing any work outs, how is that going.

If sharing my struggles helps at least one other person, then I will be so happy. If not, at least I shared my feelings with the mysterious world of the internet.

Because "fat" people have feelings too.

Biological clock, Cirque du Soleil and other things

Hello world!

First things first. Went to Cirque du Soleil on Tuesday and it was AMAZING. We didn't get as close to the stage as I would have liked, but the tickets were kinda pricey and I got them as a birthday gift from my mum. We had to wait in line for a looooong time because this stupid government jerk and his friends were having a private function first and there was a bunch of military men and stuff, police too. I think it was the "president". Whatevs.

What actually bummed me out was my mum's attitude towards the whole thing. First when I got the tickets back in November  she complained that she didn't like those shows even though she's never seen one. Then as the date was approaching, she got excited. But when we went through so many tribulations she started complaining, and on top of everything my dad was meeting us at the venue but we got there first and had his ticket. All in all, the thing with my dad wasn't so bad. It really made me sad at one point though where she said she was leaving and wasn't going to stay, I said next time I wasn't getting her anything since she didn't want to go in the first place and she said that I should just give her the money. It made me really sad, gifts that are just money feel so impersonal to me. I got her those tickets because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I didn't want her to miss it, I wanted to share it with her. I almost cried, but I didn't because there was a lot of people and I didn't want them to see me cry. Specially my mother. But then when we got inside it was all very nice. As I said, we didn't get the best seats but all in all I loved it.

There was this one time where I asked my mum why wasn't she applauding and she said her pinky hurt, so I let her be (she has a sort of swelling problem on it so I knew she wasn't lying). But then I touched her because I was so excited about one of the stunts and she yelled at me I CAN'T APPLAUD MY FINGER HURTS!, and it wasn't even that what I was touching her for! Sometimes I think she doesn't really like me as a person. Anyway......Afterwards we took the subway home since there was a lot of traffic from the people who got there in cars to get out, I think it was the best option since it was like 10 pm and there's no people on the subway at that time. Coincidentally, when we were on the stairs, there was this lady behind us complaining that the Europe shows were better....I guess some people don't understand the difference between a Tour show and a fixed one for a specific stage. People complain too much and don't appreciate some things (me included).

I read a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I really liked it even if the format was a bit strange. It was like reading Anne Frank's Diary. It's a great book, and I even researched on the internet on forums about what was Charlie's mental problem. Many concurred that it's PTSD from his childhood troubles. Won't say anything else in case someone actually reads this blog and hasn't read the book. I also got a pdf copy of the screenplay (from lionsgate.com! it's totally legal). I have never read a screenplay before, one of my directors told me that screenplays where very detailed and sometimes difficult to read so I was curious. I really enjoyed it.

Even though I'm 24 years old, I really, truly feel like I haven't achieved much in life and I have no idea what to do with my life. It's all so confusing. On that, I could relate to Charlie.



I've been reading a lot of family blogs and such, they make me feel a lot better after feeling sad. But then I realise that my biological clock is ticking really loud. I would love to be a stay-at-home-mum in Arizona or Cambridge (UK), or some part of the United States. I would also like to work on some form at the film industry, be it a special effects make up artist (I'm taking a class on it), a script supervisor (I'm really good at detailing errors on films and tv shows) or as an actress. Wouldn't that be nice?

Been listening to a lot of Beach Boys and Dido. Love them.

Have to practice being more patient with my coworker because she is truly the type of person I never long to be. Not even my daughter/son if I ever have them. EVER. But I must bite my tongue just in case.

Been thinking a lot about how lonely I feel. How I don't really have any friends or someone who truly cares for me. Some time ago I made a mistake and got kicked out of my theatre group. We were a pretty close together group and there was this group of 5 girls and myself and we were the bestest of friends. Then I was out and they just erased me. I still feel bad about it. Someone even made a meme about the "new" clique and I felt like I was Cady from Mean Girls. I guess I'll get over it with time.

I got up really happy today but as the weather is getting colder, I find myself getting colder and sadder as well. Maybe this is what I deserve from my past mistakes. Maybe not. All I do know is that karma exists.

All I do know is that I want life to get better and I will try my hardest to get on board and "participate", like in the book.

Maybe things will get better eventually and I'll find someone who deserves me and whom I deserve back. Someone who makes me feel special, who doesn't have to hide me and who lets me be me. Maybe.

For today, I'll just listen to good music, work and take a long walk with my dog when I get home.

Dogs make everything better.

Xo

It's Raining and I'm New

Hey there,

I'm MJ. I have thought of creating a blog for a long time, to hone my "writing skills" (which I think are non existent) and also so share my view of the world to the world. I ramble. A lot. I may start a post about something and end up talking about something else.

I'm also very emotional, though I never show it outwardly. My posts may vary from totally estatic about something to utterly depressed. Please bear with me... I'm very scared of showing my emotions to people because I used to do that and ended up really hurt. More on that later (maybe).


So here I am, 24 and starting to blog, I hope someone somewhere reads it. But if they don't, that's ok too. I just want to be brave enough to start a blog and commit to it.

Right now I'm at work and I'm starting this precisely because of it. It's not that I don't like my job, but it's very administrative (is that a word?). I just wish I had a more creative job. See, I'm smart, some might say (like my boss) that I'm very intelligent and that I learn fast. Which is true, I have a very steep learning curve, but my being "smart" is not something that I'd like to use or be for a job. I'm also creative, and that's what really moves me in life. I love art and anything to do with it. You name it, I've done it. Gymnastics, Music, Choir, Acting, Crafts..........Arts is what I want to do. And while I'm writing this, I'm realising that if I want it, I must make it! No more procrastination. I'll start my baking tomorrow :)

Ha. As if it were that easy. I am currently living in a country where everything is getting harder and harder. Which is the reason why I'm keeping this job and quitting Uni. Oh yeah, I used to be an anthropology student at UCV (Central University of Venezuela in Spanish). Actually, I'm not all that bummed out about quitting (again). I took a sabbatical last year to pursue acting, which I did to great results and I went back this past semester. But because of political issues in the country and health issues with my ankle, I talked to my mum and dad and they agreed it's best if I retain my job and quit schooling for a while. It's ok though, what I actually want to study is palaeontology and in this country, that's actually a Post-Graduate career, which means I'd have to do 5 years of anthropology and then 3 more of palaeontology....In other countries you can just go and study dinosaur bones and be done with it. Though I love anthropology, it's very interesting. It's really the most complete career ever. Anyway, I've always said I'll be a palaeontologist when I'm 40, so I have time. Not much, but some.

Hey! Look at that! I've written a lot! Gotta leave some for next posts, no?

It's raining a lot and I'm worried because I have to leave in 1.30hrs to go to CIRQUE DU SOLEIL with my mum!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I got the tickets in november as a birthday present for her, which was last week :-) and I took her (and yours truly) to the salon yesterday so we could look pretty in the pictures.....

Will try to post tomorrow!

Thanks for reading ghosts of the internet!

XO

MJ